An Update

Hi, everyone.  I know, I know, I promised to start blogging again.  And that was a hell of a long time ago.  I just found myself far too busy, and far too tired at the end of the day, to do anything else but work, sleep, and tend to my family.  Sounds monotonous.  Sounds tedious.  Sounds boring.  Sounds drama free.

I had better quality photos of me, but this captures my silly spirit so this will do.

Compared to the years involving my transition from male to female, drama-free was exactly what I needed.  Looking back at those days, there are moments I can barely recall just because of the level of stress that I remember enduring.  I've heard the term "pink cloud" many times before, but I don't think or remember a life so g
lamorous.   From the early days of covering up my five o'clock shadow with thick MAC foundation and concealer, to the other side of the tunnel where I finally settled into family life and was finally able to be my true self at work, almost any given day was no walk in the park.

So where am I today?  Well, I am nearing the end of the second decade of my career in law enforcement.  That was something I never talked about when I blogged daily years ago.  The fear of being outed, or even worse, fired, was always looming.  I had friends who were terminated or were forced out because of the incessant emotional beat downs in similar agencies as mine.  At the time I changed my name, the federal discrimination case taken on by Diane Schroer had just ended with the resulting decision that discrimination based on gender identity is sex-based discrimination in accordance with the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

Going from being a part of a 96 percent male workforce to being in the four percent minority of females was a great challenge.  Something I've been told will be a great read if I ever write a book about my crazy life.  The stories I could tell.  Ha.

But overall, I found myself quite comfortable in my own skin at work because of the incredible amount of support I had from colleagues and friends.  I worked hard to be someone who cared about those I worked with, and I often felt like I was the unofficial psychologist or pastor-on-duty.   When the time came for me to unravel Lori to my employer, a lot of great things fell in to place.  Not that I didn't have the gossipers talking behind my back at the watercooler, far from it.  I was the talk of the town, well, for at least a few weeks.  But if you've ever worked in a large agency or corporation, you know how new news quickly becomes old news as new gossip about someone else makes it ways to the headlines at the watercooler.

So what am I up to today?  I considered blogging again, like I considered it by the looks at my last post.  I almost forgot just how good it feels to get things off my chest, to write first and foremost for an audience of one... me.  But I also miss the connections that I had with the blogging community, and the many trans friends I gained during that time.  There are but a handful of people from that time that I still communicate with on a regular basis, and I'm sure it's just because we're all busy.  We get so distracted by our daily business that it's easy to forget to stop and increase your value between each other.

One thing people couldn't say about me was that I never committed to anything.   Transition was hell, and I was never sure I'd make it out alive.  My latest greatest commitment continues to be spending time with my children as they get closer to graduating.  I can't believe how wonderful my children have become.  I think about them more than I think about anything else.  And knowing my children know my authentic self without any more lies to cover that up is a major relief.   I never knew I had the capacity to love them as much as I do today.  Transition cleared out the haze and gave me this ability, despite the pain that we all went through in navigating such a challenge together as a family.


There's another passion that's been reignited in me, and that's my love for taking photos.   In the last year,  I've started a legitimate photography business focusing on capturing portraits of families, high school seniors, weddings, and other events.   And I've also discovered the beauty of the night sky as astrophotography is incredibly rewarding when I see the resulting images from my efforts.

One of my favorite captures.  Taken with a Canon 5DMarkIII and Sigma 50mm f/1.4ART lens.

This little desert tree reaching for the Milky Way Galaxy

I think I have a lot more to share before my blogging is over.  I keep hearing how the platform is dead, and that's okay.  I'll probably start doing a few YouTube videos like I have in the past.  I know I've often shared more than I should have, but now I believe I have a need to share what's on my heart, and that someone out there might benefit from it.  

If you're an old friend or are just finding me here for the first time, do say hi, would you?  I'd appreciate reconnecting with old friends, and I'm always open to connecting with new people.

And if you're silently suffering inside and you can't find a way to get through this, reach out to someone.  To friends you trust, to family who you know cares for you, or send me a message.  I'll do my best to point the way in the right direction if I can.  And for the many Christians who simply wrote me off and dismissed me as a "backslider" or that I was "never really a Christian," my faith in
God has changed, you're right.  But I find myself closer to his loving arms than I ever have before.  It would take many more blogs to explain how I arrived safely in His arms, but I assure you my hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus' blood and righteousness.

Blessings,
Lori B.

One Thing I Really Miss

The video above is me singing one of my favorite songs called "Greater Grace."  Yes, I happen to be in a lot of other places on the internet than just here.  Some of my readers don't know I used to be a worship leader at several different churches over the last few years.  My voice was obviously a lot deeper back then, and I've been working at developing a female singing voice over time.  I know I've already improved since posting this video over a year ago. And although I've led worship as my true self intermittently as a guest in places, I miss being able to point the way to Jesus through song and the instruments.  Watching others come to experience the same love pouring down upon their faces as they open their hearts up to God is something I truly miss, and I wonder if God will lead me down this path again someday.  For now I choose to worship Him wherever I am, in my car, in an empty room with my guitar, or when I'm out in the desert watching a dazzling golden sunset from atop a cragged Arizona mountain peak.   I choose to worship God because of what He's done for me and the relationship I have with my Savior. It saddens me a bit that I've not led worship lately.  But I know God's not through with me yet.  Just you wait.

When Is the Right Time to Transition?

Self portrait late 2007

I sometimes have difficulty understanding the way trans people identify with the period of time they transitioned.  I've heard words like "late transitioners" most often used to describe those in their 50's and up along with the term "early transitioners" used to describe children and teenagers who were allowed to transition at a young age with the help of their parents or once they moved out on their own.  But I don't identify with either of those.  I guess I'm a "middle transitioner," and quite frankly for me, I couldn't wait any longer.

When I was in college in the early 1990's, I finally discovered that transsexualism was becoming better understood, and I sought after every book at the massive university library I could to learn more.  Seeing graphic illustrations of SRS (or GCS, or whatever we're calling it nowadays) looked excruciatingly painful, but that didn't stop me from smiling, knowing that change was possible, and wishing I could somehow make that happen in my own life.  I'd spend years afterward wrestling with my faith over this, all the while working towards building a career and family.  But years of sweeping under the carpet the longing to be whole eventually took its toll on me, and depression along with the dysphoria became more unbearable than ever.  I just wanted to be treated for this, I just wanted to get better.

Necklace given to me by a dear friend who shared its meaning in THIS post:  

While in my early to mid 30's, I felt the ability to reach the goal of authenticity slipping through my fingers.  Looking at myself in the mirror, testosterone continued to alter my body in ways I loathed.  My mind and body were heading in opposite directions.  Eventually, with the help of the one I love, I sought help because I couldn't bear the idea of living the rest of my life in this incongruent body and mind.  For me, being a "late transitioner" was out of the question.  For me, it was then or never.  So I transitioned in my 30's, and though I have few regrets in some of the wrong choices I made, I don't regret getting the help I needed and moving forward...falling forward.  Most of my close friends believe that it was the right choice for me.  I'd have to agree with that.  It got better.  I got better.

So back to the question I posed in the title of this post: when is the right time to transition?  The bottom line is that no one can ever tell you to transition.  For many, financial issues are almost always at the forefront of any decision to transition.  Most health insurance companies do not cover any procedures related to "sex transformations," at least that's what my provider calls it.  Yet the American Medical Association along with other organizations believe that transsexuality is a medical condition that should be covered.  Trans people in England and Canada have access to medical treatment, but we've got a long way to go before we see that available in the states.

Self portrait - late 2007

And as for those who can afford transition, it's certainly not inexpensive.  And if you are able to finance your way through transition, when is the right time to do so?  Should you not transition because you're married?  Should you stay in the relationship that you got into before you transitioned (and does he or she even know)?  What about the kids?  And what about the fear of being discriminated against and terminated at work?  These are some really tough questions that only you can answer.  One of the best things that was helpful to me was finding a really understanding therapist who specialized in gender and sex issues.  Some of my friends who transitioned felt very little value in counseling and were able to transition successfully without any outside help.

There's clearly no right way to transition just because everyone has unique hurdles to overcome.  I transitioned in my 30's because, at that point in my life, I had to.  Regretting that I didn't transition sooner only erases the value in the experiences I received through those years, in the people I met, and in the family I have have and love today.  I used to wish that I'd just been born in the right body of a girl.  But in doing so I was denying the beauty of the process of becoming me, the woman I am today.  As in the words of a song from the Broadway musical RENT, "There's only now, there's only this, forget regret, or life is yours to miss."

Have you transitioned?  If so, when was the right time for you?

Are you thinking of transitioning?  When is the right time for you?

Do you wish and feel like you HAVE to transition but are paralyzed in fear that you won't make it?  What are those fears keeping you from getting help?

If you're none of the above but you have insight on this, what are you thoughts on the matter?

Is It Hard to Be Who You Are?

Over the last few days, while enjoying a few peaceful moments on my long drives between work and/or other personal business in Tucson, I was looking back upon the challenges I faced before and during transition.  I remembered that exhilarating and liberating feeling when I first learned to wear makeup and go out to support groups or to the stores "en femme." Those cherished moments turned out to be fleeting, as each time I ended the day breaking down in tears having to remove the wig and makeup and change back into my guy clothes.

I knew who I was, and yet I was forced to cross dress in men's clothes and wear the real mask of living in the closet as I had done for so many years before.  I know why I did it, and in retrospect I'm glad I did.    I wasn't the only one going through changes.  My whole family was.

Much later, as I closed in on going full time in being true to who I was, the strength of dysphoria waned, and I found strength in finally establishing my true sense of self for the first time in my life.

But even then, I worried and wondered, "Can I really pull this off?  Can I get to the point where I'm not walking around like a neurotic muskrat always wondering if people are staring at me, questioning who I am or laughing at me?  Can I do this ALL the time and am I ready?"

I have the definitive answer now, at least for me.  In the past, in addition to learning and adapting like a teenage girl comes of age and learns her way in the world, I also carried the enormous burden of burying my identity and locking her away.   The vice pressing into my skull wasn't from developing confidence and stepping into my own as a woman, it was from the demands of straddling the line between two genders and forcing myself to live as a male.

Is it hard to be who you are?  The journey is unique for every individual.  Some make it into the frontier to begin life anew, life renewed.  Some choose to avoid the crossroads, pouring their lives out in ways they can best cope with the circumstances and hope it's enough to survive.  And even a few choose to for whatever reason return to the life that they used to live because transition wasn't what they expected.  It doesn't make them failures, and it doesn't make them any less T than when they transitioned.   I've said this before, but I've learned that being who you are is a lot easier than being who you're not.

It starts within you.  Determination, tenacity, and courage must be tempered with love, concern, and patience enough to allow those around you enough time to hopefully come along for the ride.

With the right amount of support from friends and family, adequate resources, faith, and a little fortune...okay, a LOT of fortune, you may one day see in the mirror a reflection of something, someone truly beautiful. 

And it'll finally be for forever.

It's Easier Being Out Than In

If you're like me you're someone who really appreciates getting R and R on the weekend. After the mostly positive events that happened to me this week, I'm definitely hoping I can recuperate. I thought I'd post just a few notes of interest:

1. Since overcoming my largest two hurdles of late by coming out to two V.I.P.'s in my life, it seems like every corner I turn an opportunity springs forth allowing me to share my story with more people. In all, this week I've spoken with eight people I work with or am acquainted with about me. And after speaking to each one, the ease with which I opened up to them seemed to increase.

They say it's so much easier being out than in. I'm finally beginning to experience and believe that. After fearing the potentially negative consequences that so many others have experienced, I'm counting blessings each and every day.

2. I began communicating with an old friend from a church I used to attend. She is a remarkable woman who has managed to raise her children and stay married through the most difficult odds. I have watched her toil through many obstacles in her life while always remaining compassionate and caring, and desiring to follow God as best as she knows.

In addition to explaining that "for me, this is much more than just wanting to 'dress like a lady,'" this recent discussion has opened the door for us to discuss how our lack of understanding causes us to react in a not-so-Christlike fashion. I have a lot more to share here later, but long ago I found out she had a brother-in-law who came out to her as trans. He reached out to her because he believed she could help others understand who she was and possibly even help her transition. This brother-in-law's life came to a tragically short end when she died from an illness, sadly going to the grave without ever realizing the fruition of her self awareness and authenticity. I'll share more on this because there is much to learn about our fear and intolerance of that which we don't really understand, influencing even generally the most loving people to withdraw their compassion on someone in need.

Despite my hope for rest and relaxation this weekend, I'm not so sure I'll be getting it. I had hoped to visit a friend who will be in Phoenix this weekend, but other obligations will keep me from that. At the very minimum I'm looking forward to spending a Sunday afternoon with several new friends I've gained recently. I've mentioned them here before, and they are even more incredible than when I first met them.

It has always been my hope that my blogging about the ups and downs of this rollercoaster life has helped someone in some way. For me, I have the opinion that if I can somehow help even one person in something I write, that's all the reward I need. Since stepping foot on Transition Road, the number of friends I've gained and the support I've received is truly a treasure chest of precious jewels and pearls to me.

Remember that. You are precious.