Monday, May 2, 2016

An Update

Hi, everyone.  I know, I know, I promised to start blogging again.  And that was a hell of a long time ago.  I just found myself far too busy, and far too tired at the end of the day, to do anything else but work, sleep, and tend to my family.  Sounds monotonous.  Sounds tedious.  Sounds boring.  Sounds drama free.
I had better quality photos of me, but this captures my silly spirit so this will do.

Compared to the years involving my transition from male to female, drama-free was exactly what I needed.  Looking back at those days, there are moments I can barely recall just because of the level of stress that I remember enduring.  I've heard the term "pink cloud" many times before, but I don't think or remember a life so g
lamorous.   From the early days of covering up my five o'clock shadow with thick MAC foundation and concealer, to the other side of the tunnel where I finally settled into family life and was finally able to be my true self at work, almost any given day was no walk in the park.

So where am I today?  Well, I am nearing the end of the second decade of my career in law enforcement.  That was something I never talked about when I blogged daily years ago.  The fear of being outed, or even worse, fired, was always looming.  I had friends who were terminated or were forced out because of the incessant emotional beat downs in similar agencies as mine.  At the time I changed my name, the federal discrimination case taken on by Diane Schroer had just ended with the resulting decision that discrimination based on gender identity is sex-based discrimination in accordance with the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

Going from being a part of a 96 percent male workforce to being in the four percent minority of females was a great challenge.  Something I've been told will be a great read if I ever write a book about my crazy life.  The stories I could tell.  Ha.

But overall, I found myself quite comfortable in my own skin at work because of the incredible amount of support I had from colleagues and friends.  I worked hard to be someone who cared about those I worked with, and I often felt like I was the unofficial psychologist or pastor-on-duty.   When the time came for me to unravel Lori to my employer, a lot of great things fell in to place.  Not that I didn't have the gossipers talking behind my back at the watercooler, far from it.  I was the talk of the town, well, for at least a few weeks.  But if you've ever worked in a large agency or corporation, you know how new news quickly becomes old news as new gossip about someone else makes it ways to the headlines at the watercooler.

So what am I up to today?  I considered blogging again, like I considered it by the looks at my last post.  I almost forgot just how good it feels to get things off my chest, to write first and foremost for an audience of one... me.  But I also miss the connections that I had with the blogging community, and the many trans friends I gained during that time.  There are but a handful of people from that time that I still communicate with on a regular basis, and I'm sure it's just because we're all busy.  We get so distracted by our daily business that it's easy to forget to stop and increase your value between each other.

One thing people couldn't say about me was that I never committed to anything.   Transition was hell, and I was never sure I'd make it out alive.  My latest greatest commitment continues to be spending time with my children as they get closer to graduating.  I can't believe how wonderful my children have become.  I think about them more than I think about anything else.  And knowing my children know my authentic self without any more lies to cover that up is a major relief.   I never knew I had the capacity to love them as much as I do today.  Transition cleared out the haze and gave me this ability, despite the pain that we all went through in navigating such a challenge together as a family.


There's another passion that's been reignited in me, and that's my love for taking photos.   In the last year,  I've started a legitimate photography business focusing on capturing portraits of families, high school seniors, weddings, and other events.   And I've also discovered the beauty of the night sky as astrophotography is incredibly rewarding when I see the resulting images from my efforts.

One of my favorite captures.  Taken with a Canon 5DMarkIII and Sigma 50mm f/1.4ART lens.

This little desert tree reaching for the Milky Way Galaxy
I think I have a lot more to share before my blogging is over.  I keep hearing how the platform is dead, and that's okay.  I'll probably start doing a few YouTube videos like I have in the past.  I know I've often shared more than I should have, but now I believe I have a need to share what's on my heart, and that someone out there might benefit from it.  

If you're an old friend or are just finding me here for the first time, do say hi, would you?  I'd appreciate reconnecting with old friends, and I'm always open to connecting with new people.

And if you're silently suffering inside and you can't find a way to get through this, reach out to someone.  To friends you trust, to family who you know cares for you, or send me a message.  I'll do my best to point the way in the right direction if I can.  And for the many Christians who simply wrote me off and dismissed me as a "backslider" or that I was "never really a Christian," my faith in
God has changed, you're right.  But I find myself closer to his loving arms than I ever have before.  It would take many more blogs to explain how I arrived safely in His arms, but I assure you my hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus' blood and righteousness.

Blessings,
Lori B.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lori,

It is wonderful to haveyou back blogging, read your beautiful words and see your gorgeous pictures. I finally transitioned myself and your blog was an immense strength to me when I needed to survive each day to get to the point of Transition. Having children also, you were an inspiration and stil are. I am an activist when I can and I try to engage whose beliefs are different or vary from my own. Just like you did as I remember.

God Bless, take care and welcome back. Looking forward to reading more soon.

Best,

Karin

Calie said...

Wow! Nice to see you blogging again, Lori! And whoever is telling you that the platform is dead, but not be looking at T-Central. We have more blogs listed now than ever!

Calie xxx

Stace said...

Hey Lori,

I could have written this :) My biggest blocks to blogging are the lack of emotional turmoil that I need to get off of my chest and the fact that my insomnia, that the turmoil caused, has all but gone and so I'm no longer awake at ridiculous tunes of the morning...

A for those photos :0 Wow! Those night skies are just mind blowing, aside from being happy at knowing you are ok, please keep sharing the pictures!

Groeten,
Stace

David Morrison said...

Great to see you blogging again, Lori--no pressure to keep it up daily.

Coline said...

Hi Lori, often wonder how you are doing, it all seems such a long time ago in another life when we first met...

Transition is just that, a change from one state to another and for a while it can become an obsession. as Stace said, emotional turmoil, insomnia, chatting and reading all night and then you reach the other side.

Thankfully many of us get through, often with help from those on the same path. The aim was to change so it is not strange that so many move on with the lives they always wanted and are never seen again. It took me a long time to fully understand that and move on myself. I am only hanging about watching those who dared to show themselves but have so far been unable to join us...

The transsexual world has changed so much from the days that we first went online. I now feel that most of my experiences are now obsolete and am just an observer. If you do tap more on the keys I shall still be here to read.

Leslie Ann said...

Mere weeks ago, I came very close to removing you from the long list of blogs I follow. Very happy that I held off.

I am trying to resume public blogging too, and the cross-section of interesting material and the time to express it is perilously fleeting. I hope you make a go of it, really. Your voice was very important to this community for a long time, and your absence left a vacuum.

Great photos!

Leslie

Roanne Montgomery said...

Lori,
Nice to read something from you again. Hope you do start up writing more often. I always enjoyed and was encouraged by your word and pics. Lords blessings. Roanne.