You're a Penis-Packing, Less-than-real-woman, Man-in-a-dress.

That's really what it comes down to by some, isn't it?  If you've charged through transition as much as you've been able and have not measured up to some mythical standard, you're likely to be called one of those things.  Oh, and the list goes on:  Faggot, tranny, freak, he/she...   You get the point.  I'll stop just because many of my own friends (including myself) have endured such name calling from those who they thought loved and cared for them.   Many of us know what it feels like to be bullied by outsiders who cannot empathize with an incongruent gender/sexual identity.  I've seen the bruises on bodies to prove it.

Sadly, those trigger-words aren't only being said by outsiders, but by the very people who claim to have walked more than a mile in your shoes.  And just because they've "arrived" at being a "true woman," now they feel empowered to become the victimizer, belittling those very people who are already brutalized.

So how do you feel when someone who claims to have a transsexual history refers to you as a "man in a dress?"  After all, everyone has to start somewhere.  I remember the first few times I finally began to go out as my authentic self.   I remember how ridiculous I looked.  It wasn't so much that I looked and felt like a clown at the time, although I've been told that.  Looking back I realize I was working through my own look like a young teenage girl practices and learns to wear the right amount of makeup.   For a thirty-something transitioner, though, it was quite embarrassing at times.  But I kept my head held high and deep confidence within me despite getting "read" for some time.

But that wasn't the end goal for me.  I never wanted the END of transition to include others still seeing me as a "man in a dress."  So even though I had a deep voice, I practiced my female voice day after day...after day.  And I finally found my voice.  I went through quite a bit of shopping before I learned what was appropriate and not appropriate to wear for a woman my age.   I realized that it wasn't so much about having to learn to "be" a woman as it was to just allow myself to simply BE.   And one day the reflection in the mirror matched exactly who I was inside.

I understand how painful being taunted can be.  I've been ridiculed to no end.   A close female relative once told me, "F*** anyone who has a problem with it.  You be who you are because who you are is beautiful."   Hearing those words, especially the F-bomb, come from her was a shocker since she never cursed. But she implanted a fire within me that would not easily be extinguished.

And that's why I'm terribly bothered when my friends are called hurtful names like "Penis-packers."  Most of my trans - friends who have admitted they have not had sexual reassignment surgery also share the reason WHY they haven't had the surgery:  they simply cannot afford surgery at the present time, might never be able to afford surgery because they are in an economically suppressed situation, or have some sort of health issue preventing them from having it.  They don't delight in the fact they are "pre-operative" and struggle onward hoping the opportunity will present itself to have surgery.

And yet these same people take these words to heart...even if they're not lobbed directly at them, because every time they hear those poisonous words, they're faced with the sad fact that they can't yet have what so many others flaunt they've got.

I often use the term "Post-transition" for a reason.  For one, I don't believe it's my business to point out to the world what someone else has between their legs.   It's bad enough the "cisgender" world has an almost fetishistic craving to know, "Has she had the surgery?  Is she post-op?  I wonder what her vajayjay looks like!"  And believe me, a lot of people think that way if you bring up SRS.

And yet, if you were to walk up to someone...anyone...a perfect stranger... who asserts he is male, would you ask, "Excuse me, sir, if you ARE a sir, that is.  Would you kindly PROVE to me that you have a penis?"  You'd likely get beat so blue you'd require stitches and a cast.

When the main focus of who we are is ALL about what type of surgery we've had, how can we expect the world to judge us for who we are as people and not instead fixate on whether or not an MTF is "penis-packin."  It's as insulting as wondering what's between the legs of everyone who is not transsexual.

Having surgery is one of the highest achievements for those who need to and can obtain the means to see it through to the end.   It signifies the closure of one part of their life and the path to a new horizon.  There are those who have shown publicly their regret for surgery, but the stats show it is clearly the minority who regret their decision to have surgery.   When each new friend heads off to Thailand, Scottsdale or San Francisco and returns elated that they are truly congruent with body, mind, and soul, I'm truly happy for them.

As for the majority of friends who share with me about the financial or physical dilemma they face, I do my best to be as supportive without belittling them or making them feel less than special.   I'm no one.  I've been fortunate to have been so blessed with wonderful friends who stood by me every step of the way.

It's a terrible shame that the bullies and victimizers out there have to come from within our own circles.  This should never be so.  Perhaps we should all take some simple advice: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."