One Thing I Really Miss

The video above is me singing one of my favorite songs called "Greater Grace."  Yes, I happen to be in a lot of other places on the internet than just here.  Some of my readers don't know I used to be a worship leader at several different churches over the last few years.  My voice was obviously a lot deeper back then, and I've been working at developing a female singing voice over time.  I know I've already improved since posting this video over a year ago. And although I've led worship as my true self intermittently as a guest in places, I miss being able to point the way to Jesus through song and the instruments.  Watching others come to experience the same love pouring down upon their faces as they open their hearts up to God is something I truly miss, and I wonder if God will lead me down this path again someday.  For now I choose to worship Him wherever I am, in my car, in an empty room with my guitar, or when I'm out in the desert watching a dazzling golden sunset from atop a cragged Arizona mountain peak.   I choose to worship God because of what He's done for me and the relationship I have with my Savior. It saddens me a bit that I've not led worship lately.  But I know God's not through with me yet.  Just you wait.

When Is the Right Time to Transition?

Self portrait late 2007

I sometimes have difficulty understanding the way trans people identify with the period of time they transitioned.  I've heard words like "late transitioners" most often used to describe those in their 50's and up along with the term "early transitioners" used to describe children and teenagers who were allowed to transition at a young age with the help of their parents or once they moved out on their own.  But I don't identify with either of those.  I guess I'm a "middle transitioner," and quite frankly for me, I couldn't wait any longer.

When I was in college in the early 1990's, I finally discovered that transsexualism was becoming better understood, and I sought after every book at the massive university library I could to learn more.  Seeing graphic illustrations of SRS (or GCS, or whatever we're calling it nowadays) looked excruciatingly painful, but that didn't stop me from smiling, knowing that change was possible, and wishing I could somehow make that happen in my own life.  I'd spend years afterward wrestling with my faith over this, all the while working towards building a career and family.  But years of sweeping under the carpet the longing to be whole eventually took its toll on me, and depression along with the dysphoria became more unbearable than ever.  I just wanted to be treated for this, I just wanted to get better.

Necklace given to me by a dear friend who shared its meaning in THIS post:  

While in my early to mid 30's, I felt the ability to reach the goal of authenticity slipping through my fingers.  Looking at myself in the mirror, testosterone continued to alter my body in ways I loathed.  My mind and body were heading in opposite directions.  Eventually, with the help of the one I love, I sought help because I couldn't bear the idea of living the rest of my life in this incongruent body and mind.  For me, being a "late transitioner" was out of the question.  For me, it was then or never.  So I transitioned in my 30's, and though I have few regrets in some of the wrong choices I made, I don't regret getting the help I needed and moving forward...falling forward.  Most of my close friends believe that it was the right choice for me.  I'd have to agree with that.  It got better.  I got better.

So back to the question I posed in the title of this post: when is the right time to transition?  The bottom line is that no one can ever tell you to transition.  For many, financial issues are almost always at the forefront of any decision to transition.  Most health insurance companies do not cover any procedures related to "sex transformations," at least that's what my provider calls it.  Yet the American Medical Association along with other organizations believe that transsexuality is a medical condition that should be covered.  Trans people in England and Canada have access to medical treatment, but we've got a long way to go before we see that available in the states.

Self portrait - late 2007

And as for those who can afford transition, it's certainly not inexpensive.  And if you are able to finance your way through transition, when is the right time to do so?  Should you not transition because you're married?  Should you stay in the relationship that you got into before you transitioned (and does he or she even know)?  What about the kids?  And what about the fear of being discriminated against and terminated at work?  These are some really tough questions that only you can answer.  One of the best things that was helpful to me was finding a really understanding therapist who specialized in gender and sex issues.  Some of my friends who transitioned felt very little value in counseling and were able to transition successfully without any outside help.

There's clearly no right way to transition just because everyone has unique hurdles to overcome.  I transitioned in my 30's because, at that point in my life, I had to.  Regretting that I didn't transition sooner only erases the value in the experiences I received through those years, in the people I met, and in the family I have have and love today.  I used to wish that I'd just been born in the right body of a girl.  But in doing so I was denying the beauty of the process of becoming me, the woman I am today.  As in the words of a song from the Broadway musical RENT, "There's only now, there's only this, forget regret, or life is yours to miss."

Have you transitioned?  If so, when was the right time for you?

Are you thinking of transitioning?  When is the right time for you?

Do you wish and feel like you HAVE to transition but are paralyzed in fear that you won't make it?  What are those fears keeping you from getting help?

If you're none of the above but you have insight on this, what are you thoughts on the matter?

Falling Forward: Comparing My Life To The Same Time Last Year

As I sit here in a Tucson Medical Center waiting room, patiently praying and trusting the surgeons as they operate on my mother, I began to reminisce about my life at this time last year.  I decided to look back at my blog posts from that time, and I almost cried with others seated all around me. 

I decided to repost this because I have so many friends who are currently in a similar situation with their spouses or partners concerning boundaries and concessions in their relationships.  I feel a sense of pride coming over me that I found the strength to write these words back then.  What seemed like the impossible was slowly being overcome with steadfastness, patience, and most importantly, love.  

I trust that my mother's going to be alright.  Transition taught me a lot about overcoming your fears, worries, and doubts.  If you take anything from this post, just remember that when you fall, fall forward.

December 15, 2008 - The Mother of All Talks: Falling Forward

So we did it. After two years of struggling to understand this, and fighting to retain the friendship and love we have for one another through it all, we made the critical decisions that will shape the direction of our future.

And we'll do it together, for as long as possible. The pain and hurt we feel inside will not dictate how we respond to our circumstances any longer. Harsh words, whether upfront or containing painful subtext, will no longer be the dagger that causes our spirits to bleed.

And the love we have for each other will never be questioned again. Our growing differences will not shake that fact. For too long we often brought the question of love to the table of disagreement. That never should have happened. My high school sweetheart will always be sweet to me. Her virtuosity and purity will always be among her greatest strengths. She is a woman worthy of magnificent love and tender affection.

Saturday night, after a lengthy drawn out intense discussion, she acknowledged my need to transition. Her selfless concession was clearly not easy to do but given freely and in a desire for me to be whole. We knew my desire to live authentically, the struggle to bring my body and mind finally together, would never abate. Every attempt to beat this into submission, to deny the simple reality of accepting my gender identity, failed time and time again.

"This will not bring you happiness you know," she said with near-whispered caution. "We still have to deal with everything else."

"I understand that, and I want to be able to have finally dealt with this so that I can deal with everything else," I said.

I've waited for the day to have finally stepped over, to have dealt with this truthfully and honestly, at my own pace, a pace so difficult to set because you never quite know how fast your spouse can walk or run. And to be able to do this on our own terms, with her blessing, transcended my own limited vision of how much could be accomplished.

The revival is complete. My once lifeless spirit now breathes again.

But things are not the same. They will never and can never be the same again. And it breaks my heart still.

In order for her to cope, to come as far as she can go on this journey with me, she must set boundaries. She sees and knows her own limits. She deserves to have her own immutable sense of self as much as I do. Therefore the core of our relationship must change into a new form of love. Perhaps it's not so much an evolution as it is an enhancement of the lasting friendship that we've always had. I think we both always saw it coming.

I completely understand her need for security. Up until last year she was able to rest in the knowledge that her brave strong husband would somehow make things right. When she could no longer rest her head upon my firm male chest, she had to scramble to find strength and security in other ways. (I'm learning this powerful trait in many women, the ability to analyze, organize, and execute a strategy that will protect their family and themselves.)

A lot remains at stake. It is paramount that we stand together in support for one another, and for our kids. Their futures into the uncertain unknown require that their parents love them and nurture them into adolescence. I've blown it many times over, missed the mark, made huge uncalculated errors. I don't want to keep making mistakes. And I don't want to make the same mistakes my own parents made with me. The kids deserve the chance to stand on their own two feet as they later approach adulthood.

They deserve to never feel the abandonment issues that happened to me and caused me to make my own grave mistakes throughout my life. The same things happened to my parents, and to their parent's parents. The cycle must end with us.

We chose to stay together, at least for now. And even once I'm through to the end of the transition tube (however long that takes), we've acknowledged the possibility that if we can't foster a loving household and continued friendship with each other then we would accept the last resort of separation.

On Sunday the tough talks continued. We essentially rehashed what we already decided together. But already the atmosphere was different. There was a change in the air...for the better.

We laughed a lot. We joked about silly nonsensical things, something neither of us had done with the other in at least several months. And we held hands at the end of the day as we lay in bed, laptop on her side, shopping together on the internet. Seeing her smile continue brought a relief from my own worry. The worry that SHE wouldn't be okay.

I walked around with a smile on my own face for most of the day. And yet, there was a tug from deep within that I began to worry about. This large hurdle was being leaped, but I was now realizing that many smaller hurdles have always been in our path, and I'd have to take those leaps when they came. My own boundaries would soon test my strength and resolve. The fear is still real, as are the doubts. But you only have one life to live...
and one life to love.

Laying on the bed together on Saturday evening, we watched the second episode from season one of Grey's Anatomy. Grey had just taken several risks that payed off with her assisting in a successful surgery, and she practically saved a baby's life. At the end of the episode, she and her intern friends and coworkers exited the hospital in the early morning hours as the dawning sun reflected a glorious light off the mirrors of the hospital. Grey narrated the following:

"At some point, you have to make a decision,
Boundaries don't keep others out,
they fence you in.
Life is messy, that's how we're made.

So you can waste your life drawing lines, or, you can live your life crossing them.

But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross;
Here's what I know, if you're willing to take the chance, the view from the other side ...

is spectacular."

We've turned a corner. And in falling forward like a toddler learns to walk, I've only begun to capture a mere glimpse from the other side.




But so far, it's breathtaking.




Stay tuned...



 This post, along with other posts written at that time, can be found HERE.  

Is It Hard to Be Who You Are?

Over the last few days, while enjoying a few peaceful moments on my long drives between work and/or other personal business in Tucson, I was looking back upon the challenges I faced before and during transition.  I remembered that exhilarating and liberating feeling when I first learned to wear makeup and go out to support groups or to the stores "en femme." Those cherished moments turned out to be fleeting, as each time I ended the day breaking down in tears having to remove the wig and makeup and change back into my guy clothes.

I knew who I was, and yet I was forced to cross dress in men's clothes and wear the real mask of living in the closet as I had done for so many years before.  I know why I did it, and in retrospect I'm glad I did.    I wasn't the only one going through changes.  My whole family was.

Much later, as I closed in on going full time in being true to who I was, the strength of dysphoria waned, and I found strength in finally establishing my true sense of self for the first time in my life.

But even then, I worried and wondered, "Can I really pull this off?  Can I get to the point where I'm not walking around like a neurotic muskrat always wondering if people are staring at me, questioning who I am or laughing at me?  Can I do this ALL the time and am I ready?"

I have the definitive answer now, at least for me.  In the past, in addition to learning and adapting like a teenage girl comes of age and learns her way in the world, I also carried the enormous burden of burying my identity and locking her away.   The vice pressing into my skull wasn't from developing confidence and stepping into my own as a woman, it was from the demands of straddling the line between two genders and forcing myself to live as a male.

Is it hard to be who you are?  The journey is unique for every individual.  Some make it into the frontier to begin life anew, life renewed.  Some choose to avoid the crossroads, pouring their lives out in ways they can best cope with the circumstances and hope it's enough to survive.  And even a few choose to for whatever reason return to the life that they used to live because transition wasn't what they expected.  It doesn't make them failures, and it doesn't make them any less T than when they transitioned.   I've said this before, but I've learned that being who you are is a lot easier than being who you're not.

It starts within you.  Determination, tenacity, and courage must be tempered with love, concern, and patience enough to allow those around you enough time to hopefully come along for the ride.

With the right amount of support from friends and family, adequate resources, faith, and a little fortune...okay, a LOT of fortune, you may one day see in the mirror a reflection of something, someone truly beautiful. 

And it'll finally be for forever.

The Strength Within You

Over on the Juliet and Juliette blog, I read this quote this evening, having very little time to surf blogs and to reply to the growing list of people in my email inbox.

“The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the strength within you that survives all the hurt.”

~ Anonymous

Perhaps it may even sound contrived to some, but for me, at this very moment, it was water to my soul.

I have a feeling this is going to be the most difficult year of my life.

But it won't be the saddest. That darkness has passed.

Reservoir.

Alone, 3:00 a.m., Main Street, Alhambra, California

As I sit here alone at 6:00 a.m. in the Denny's in Alhambra, California, I wonder what my next move will be.

The only other person eating is an elderly Asian-American man sitting alone two tables away from me. He's gotta be pushing 80.

What gives? I can't stop wondering why he's here all by himself. At first I thought he was so content being alone, eating alone. It looks as if he doesn't have a care in the world. His next move being whether he's going to bite the english muffin or chew on ice again.

I wanted to go talk to him. In the past, I've been moved to go beyond my own comfort zone to reach out to someone who looked alone. I've approached people sitting by themselves and began a conversation with them before in the hope that they would feel that SOMEONE valued them, someone cared enough to acknowledge their presence. Their very heartbeat and existence a precious indication that they bear significance to reality.

Only this time I want to be left alone. I would probably not mind if he or anyone else came and sat across from me in this booth. I probably would strike up quite a friendly conversation.

But the old man grabbed his colorful violet and pink flowered can and stood up to leave. I wish him well. I wonder where he's going. I wonder how he's going to get there.

And yet, I wonder the same thing for me.

Speaking Spanish, I asked the waitress what her name was. She could barely speak a few words of English. She said her name was Laura. She smiled when she noticed I could speak her tongue. I'm glad she felt acknowledged as more than just a job title.

You can probably deduce why I have been awake since 3 a.m., mindlessly driving through the streets of Alhambra and San Gabriel.

I remember the intense pain I felt last April to desire just to be accepted for who I am. I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want to bring her own identity to ruin. But that's what I feel I've done. And she's going to have to be the one to rebuild her own sense of self.

I too, will have to continue the rebuilding of my own identity. As painful as it feels, I just can't bear the person I was in the past. Though I wonder if I will be able to bear the person I will be in the future. Life without the kids in my own home. Life without the warmth of a loving caring partner beside me. Life, just like so many of my own friends, alone.

The sun is rising over the car lot across the street. Damn puerile sun metaphors coming into my mind again. I'll leave that be. My computer's dying.

But I'm not.

I know you'll hear from me again. And probably sooner than later. Yes, I a blog whore...happy now?

Right now, however, I have to figure out exactly what I'm doing sitting here all by myself in a restaurant Alhambra, California.

----------------------------------------------------
Near the end of this day, as I waited for the sun to set over the Santa Monica Pier, I tried my best to hold a smile. I hear it's what we women do.

Beautiful Freak Out

If you are like me and have overcome MOST of your fear about presenting in public and being gendered as your true self, then you know what a relief it is to no longer feel the tension that would cramp up your bowels just to try and walk about freely in public, let alone make a feeble attempt to use your female voice.

Now, I am usually confident in almost every aspect, but something happens every once in a while that is extremely troubling...I FREAK OUT BIG TIME for no known reason.

Before I share the story, I was reminded of this feeling as I was reading Renee Knipe's "Transsexual Ferox" blog. In it is a post called "Haute Tension," and it accurately describes what I think we all go through at one point or another. Please give it a read sometime. It's at:

http://srknipe.blogspot.com/2008/07/haute-tension.html

So the other day I went to see a movie, and I felt really confident that I did my makeup and hair just right. I was ready to take on the world! What you see in my last video was what I looked like. The video was recorded on the same day. Not bad in my opinion. Certainly passable.

So there I am standing in line waiting to order popcorn and a drink. All of a sudden it hits me. Fear, fear that EVERYONE is watching me, fear that everyone KNOWS I'm trans. What the hell?

It's finally my turn to order and I stumble through requesting popcorn but otherwise get through it with no problems. As I walk over to the condiments table, I realize I have to walk by a group of teenagers who are all gathered around the table chatting. Again, terror strikes me knowing how rude teen boys and girls can be to transpeople. I approach the table and they all immediately paused to gaze up at my 6 foot stature. "I'm so made," I thought to myself. After a brief two second glance at me, they immediately go right back into what they were talking about. Crisis averted...again.

I get to my seat in the theater and can't shake what the hell came over me. Perhaps it's a residual effect of when I used to feel like that all the time. Maybe I'm just neurotic like someone I used to know would say about me.

Either way, I got through it, and I overcame my fear. That's really all there is to it.

Psychologists often use a technique called "flooding" where you are placed in the middle of a situation that will bring about your fear, and you work in to realizing that everything's gonna be just fine. It's done with people who have a fear of snakes. They will take them to a zoo or some place that has several snakes, and then stay with them to reassure that their fear is unnecessary. Same thing for those afraid of heights, caves, and other fears.

The only problem to the flooding technique is that if the person happens to get bit by a snake, or nearly falls off the building, or gets attacked in a cave, THAT FEAR WILL INTENSIFY and they'll likely never be able to get past it.

My being out in public, even during the times I feel terrified to do so, is helping me. Those kind of events are happening less frequently, and I hope I can get to the point where I can just watch the dang movie without this unecessary fear.

There is a kind of stress that is beneficial to the experiencer, psychologists call it "eustress." Distress is defined as not being beneficial and creates stressors in other areas.

I'm doing my best to turn my distress into eustress.

Going back to Renee Knipe's Transsexual Ferox, she succinctly explains her experience like this:

I was halfway across the mall before I realized I was in the mall. Or more appropriately, that I was a transsexual in the mall. Don't get me wrong... I'm 6'6" in my bare feet and I used to fight crackheads for a living, so I pretty much go where I want, when I want. But I'm still very conscious (or self-conscious) of the fact that I stand out. My vigilance is always high. Except this time...not until a little something clicked in my head and all of that awareness came flooding back. And as soon as it happened, I could have kicked myself.

Today at dinner, Beth criticized my anxiousness. "Just relax," she tells me. And I wish it was something I could consciously make happen. If I could just will away the tension...well, has their ever been a more contradictory idea? But it is encouraging to think that, with time, maybe it will happen all on its own.

Overcome your fears, just do it in a safe place.

During the movie, a song was played called "Beautiful Freak." I've got to find out who wrote it. We all feel like the freak, but we rarely feel beautiful.

Sometimes both words together accurately describe how I feel about myself and how I wonder if others think that of me.

But I am beautiful nonetheless.

Oh, a friend just gave me the youtube link for the song I heard in the movie. Beautiful Freak, here it is: