The only other person eating is an elderly Asian-American man sitting alone two tables away from me. He's gotta be pushing 80.
What gives? I can't stop wondering why he's here all by himself. At first I thought he was so content being alone, eating alone. It looks as if he doesn't have a care in the world. His next move being whether he's going to bite the english muffin or chew on ice again.
I wanted to go talk to him. In the past, I've been moved to go beyond my own comfort zone to reach out to someone who looked alone. I've approached people sitting by themselves and began a conversation with them before in the hope that they would feel that SOMEONE valued them, someone cared enough to acknowledge their presence. Their very heartbeat and existence a precious indication that they bear significance to reality.
Only this time I want to be left alone. I would probably not mind if he or anyone else came and sat across from me in this booth. I probably would strike up quite a friendly conversation.
But the old man grabbed his colorful violet and pink flowered can and stood up to leave. I wish him well. I wonder where he's going. I wonder how he's going to get there.
And yet, I wonder the same thing for me.
Speaking Spanish, I asked the waitress what her name was. She could barely speak a few words of English. She said her name was Laura. She smiled when she noticed I could speak her tongue. I'm glad she felt acknowledged as more than just a job title.
You can probably deduce why I have been awake since 3 a.m., mindlessly driving through the streets of Alhambra and San Gabriel.
I remember the intense pain I felt last April to desire just to be accepted for who I am. I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want to bring her own identity to ruin. But that's what I feel I've done. And she's going to have to be the one to rebuild her own sense of self.
I too, will have to continue the rebuilding of my own identity. As painful as it feels, I just can't bear the person I was in the past. Though I wonder if I will be able to bear the person I will be in the future. Life without the kids in my own home. Life without the warmth of a loving caring partner beside me. Life, just like so many of my own friends, alone.
The sun is rising over the car lot across the street. Damn puerile sun metaphors coming into my mind again. I'll leave that be. My computer's dying.
But I'm not.
I know you'll hear from me again. And probably sooner than later. Yes, I a blog whore...happy now?
Right now, however, I have to figure out exactly what I'm doing sitting here all by myself in a restaurant Alhambra, California.
----------------------------------------------------
Near the end of this day, as I waited for the sun to set over the Santa Monica Pier, I tried my best to hold a smile. I hear it's what we women do.
14 comments:
Well Lori, I'm not sure what happened last night, but it doesn't sound very good. I hope you'll be OK and that you'll get through this without too much mental damage. Don't be gone for too long, I want to see your smiling face again.
If it's what I think it is, it won't be easy for a while, but, speaking from personal experience, you will get through it, a bit scarred perhaps, but it does eventually get better.
Lori, hunni, life is full of ups and downs. For someone who is trans, the highs can be REALLY high and the lows can be REALLY low. It is a period of adjustment for all involved. I am guessing that you two have not had a lot of time to yourself in the past few days while being with your extended family. I'm betting things will improve once you two have some quality time together again. I can't see the future, but I can guarantee that there will be an "up" day in your life very soon.
C
Being alone in a Denny's...wow...that reminds me of the 19 weeks I spent having to work out of town, in Conroe...lol. Every Friday I'd get up extra early and try to get to Denny's by 5am. That way I could start work at 6am and get off at 2pm...a mere 3 hours later I was back in Tyler in time to change over from my work truck to my car and finish the 25 minute drive home.
Like you, I was usually one of maybe 2 or 3 other patrons. I remember one guy, a little younger than me, who was there every time I was there. The quintessential "regular." He was so regular that the waitress would just bring his usual without taking his order. After a few weeks, we began to say hi to each other as we entered. I had my own booth that I always sat at...so did he. He looked so lonely.
The waitress and I became friends and I learned her whole life story. She would sit down at my table and just talk while she took a short break during the slowest time of the day. I would like to go down there sometime just to see how she's doing. She's married, has a couple of kids, and works the 10pm-6am shift so she can be there for her kids...to get them off for school, etc. Still, she seemed so lonely sometimes.
Every Friday when I was there, another older man...probably retired...would come in, buy a newspaper, head to the back room where smoking was allowed. He would drink coffee, read his paper and smoke cigarettes. He seemed lonely too.
There is quite an education doing what you were talking about...just making yourself available to others. Sometimes you get caught up in hearing all their woes for an hour or so. But, that's ok too. It's all about love. Listening is definitely a type of love.
I get the feeling that Lori wanted to have someone come sit with her that day and listen to her pour out her story...her pain...her guilt...her fears...her undying love. I can only guess what it must have been like to be so freely accepted by your wife's family and yet still unable to feel it from her. To me, that would be almost like starting over again. You felt so positive the other day and now this. Patience is so hard to have at a time like this. It's hard to keep going...doing the everyday routine, living more and more like you know you need to, even when it seems to pull you farther and farther from those you love the most.
Hang in there Lori. Nobody's future is set in stone. Just keep praying for guidance and inspiration to know what to do, and when. Always remember there are those out here that are, in spirit, sitting with you at that booth...listening, holding your hand, and smiling in understanding. God Bless you Lori as you seek his will. :)Suzi
Lori, I know this is a season of ups and downs for you. It seems I've seen more of it this year than usual, both friends and myself. But you know what? People in charge of their own future do well to reflect this way. Then they come back with insight that changes other lives. You probably don't realize how well you do this. Of course you will be back, and soon. Meanwhile, keep the faith. Pam
This is a radical change from yesterday's blog. With the deletion of most of your videos I'm wondering just what caused this sudden down turn.
There are those special hopes we put higher that others and when they get knocked down it can be hard to put that hope back up there. Often the high fall leaves them broken or severely cracked.
We shouldn't give up on these special hopes but if we lower their placement it lessens the damage caused when they fall. It's not giving up on such high hopes it's just trying to find a way to have some damage control and keep our hopes alive.
Here's hoping the best for you Lori.
There's healing in the pain..
There is a splendid desolation in loneliness, a clarity of destruction in which we see things formerly hidden by those structures now lying in ruin around us- but we're at first too shattered to look at anything but the dust and ashes in our laps.
You'll shake off the numbness and catch a glimpse of something (possibly profound) which had formerly escaped your notice.
Indeed, clarity comes amidst the settling of ash and dust. Something that hit me was what a Nobel laureate told the alien before the aliens were about to destroy earth in "The Day the Earth Stood Still": At the precipice, we change.
That can't be any more true for me. I stand at the precipice of my life and though the change is necessary, it scares the hell out of me.
I don't think I was cryptic at all with this post. I wasn't trying to be. My course seems set, because of this light that I've seen in accepting my true self. That's all I can comfortably share right now. A future with the one I have always loved depends entirely on other factors now.
The photo was taken by me today at the Santa Monica Pier. It represents how I feel today. It speaks so much more though.
OMGosh, Lori, I feel terrible for not being able to comment sooner. I know that whatever is going on---it can't be good and I truly hope that you KNOW you can count on me if you need me. I am so sorry you were all alone...but at the same time, I think being alone ~ perhaps when you really needed a friend or just someone to talk to to let you know that somehow, some way, everything will be okay. Although, sometimes that time alone can give us the clarity that we need, as well. Please hang in there and know you have people out there that love and need you. I truly hope that the next few days will begin to look up for you. I need to give you my new phone number, so I'll send that to ya...But if you need me, please give a yell...Lots of love and hugs...
Gah, I reread your blog one more time, and had a few additional things to add (you know me, yakkety yak yak, lol). I know that the future might look a bit more grim right now and that it seems like things just can't get any better. Yet given time, I truly think that you will find that somehow it does. You WILL be able to bear the person that you are now b/c you get to be YOU. That person that has been screaming to get out what...all of your life? That has to make a difference; and a huge one. You should be proud of yourself...proud for finding the courage to finally be Lori; no matter how hard it was. There are some that can't take that path, and instead suffer in silence. You have so much going for you and you will persevere...If you've gotten this far, you will find a way. And as someone else said, the future is NOT set in stone. Things could change drastically again---and for the positive. I'm sending lots of prayers for you as well as good thoughts your way. Hang in there...LOL and I am GLAD you're a blog whore!
(well, I have to start somewhere)
Hi Lori, remember me? ;-) I'm in the process of making goals for 2009. One would be to blog more often(on here, mostly, since, you know, with how Y360 is going...). And another would be to keep up more "efficiently" with your blogs 'n vlogs, and I promise to do just that. :-) I miss our little chats, hon, but hopefully someday we can meet, and chat "for real"! :-) This blog here brought tears to my eyes(nothing new there of course), but I know you will eventually, be OK. Easy to say, I know--but, I believe in you, Lori, and if there is anyone I know who has a strong enough heart to make it through all of the difficulties you have now, it is you, sweetie. ((HUGS)) And, from how you, and so many of my other friends, live their lives, and do what they need to do to survive, and thrive...reflects back to me, and makes me a stronger person.
I'm a very lucky girl, did you know that? Yep...I'm a friend of Lori Anne Davis'...yep, I am. Forever, girlfriend. ((HUGS))
Lori,
As usual, we seem to be experiencing the same situation. I just came out to family and they were pretty accepting. I had mixed emotions in feeling great that they do accept me no matter what, yet that acceptance just makes it harder for my wife and she is feeling worse because of it, which in turn makes me feel worse.
I like you have my goals set and am determined to follow it, because I have to. I also do not know what will happen between my wife/kids and me. I am sure when other changes occur that it may be the trigger for her to want a different living arrangement, etc. It sucks, but as others have stated it is also part of this journey. I think we both really knew it would come to this, but experiencing it just makes it harder.
Just know I am here for you and I hope that with us going through this now that we can help one another cope with it all.
Hugs and love, Tiana :)
I really hate that pain and doubt are part of the process (living - not just transitioning). I wish I knew what to do to make it hurt less. It sounds so trite to say it will pass when you're deep in the middle of it. In hindsight it seems that pain is an unavoidable part of the growth process, but when we're in the middle of it, it doesn't matter. Just know - always know - you are NOT alone. Damn, I wish I could just hug away the ache & convince you it will get better. But I can't. You will just have to find that out yourself.
As for me, I have to get over these damned maternal instincts for people I only know from their blogs :-)
Hi Lori, I can't quite imagine how bad and lonely you were feeling at the time, and sorry I haven't replied until now, but whenever I have had a 'Dark night of the soul' I've fond comfort in remembering that when you get to the bottom you bounce back up! (The bottom may still have a little further to fall than you would like, but eventually it does work out!)
I once heard the saying that 'Life is a Learning Curve', and by god are we girls thrown in at the deep-end with our lessons, but ultimately when school is out we'll have knowlege and experience few could even comprehend!
Hugs
Davinia
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