Thursday, September 8, 2011

What, Me, Optimist?

Tonight I had the chance to talk over the phone with a friend I've not connected with in quite some time.  We were discussing some a few questions she had over a little project I've started.  During the course of our conversation, the issue of self-worth came up, and I again admitted something that few people know about me:

I struggle with feeling defeated in many things in life.  And my sense of self-worth isn't nearly where it should be.

Talking through it with her brought up some possible reasons for it, one being the way I was taught by the churches I attended that people like me are hell-bound, and I could never be a woman because...well, "God doesn't make mistakes." (Never mind the fact that I didn't believe I "could be," but always knew I was a woman.)

Over time I know I've been able to plow through those unintelligible justifications for condemning me and people like me.  Many of you know my struggles with my faith and how I overcame the condemnation with my own soul (and Scripture) searching, and eventually arriving at the conclusion that God loves me, just as I am.

But now I find myself beginning a new thing, and my fears and lack of self-confidence are once again knocking at my door, and all it takes is a shred of the toxic bullshit out there in this blogosphere battlezone to close me up.

During the phone conversation, I was surprised to hear my friend tell me how she always loved to read my blog; that through all the mess that was my life, I somehow always managed to shine a light of resilient optimism into each story and confession.   So for the rest of the evening I thought back to some of my own writings from those troubling times, and I discovered that I always managed to hold on to some thing, one thing, or anything that would give me hope.  I held on, as the song goes, for one more day.  And surprisingly, it worked.

I guess I'm surprised to be seen as an optimist.  My own continued struggles with self-confidence and fear of failure often attempts to repress my timid spirit.  But in looking back at where I've come from, I don't think I would have been able to make it had it not been for finding some reason during the day to be optimistic, and I'm grateful optimism came in many shapes and colors.

Optimism = Hope.

And hope is what I'm trying to impart from my life to those I care about.  Perhaps I'll never stop struggling with those little voices mocking me and calling me a failure.  But I'll prove them wrong in the end.  Just you wait.



Thanks for lifting my spirit today, Tegan.  

10 comments:

Angel said...

Yes Lori, Tegan is right... you are most definitely an optimist... even through the low spots you've experienced, you've struck me as being an optimist. Im fact, there have been times when I've thought of it as one of your most annoying traits... LOLOL!!!! ;-)

And what I am doing up at almost 4 AM, looking at blogs on T-Central, is the real puzzle!

Shirley Anne said...

Oh Lori! You know that life's struggles can often put us down and by what I am reading you've had your share of those. Always remember that there are people who love you and are ready to support you through anything that is becoming a burden for you. Having said that there is one place you can leave all your burdens and have the confidence to know that they will be dealt with. 'Lay your burdens at my feet' says Jesus. Lay them there and leave them there...don't keep going back to see if they are still there. Remember too that those who are pessimists have been defeated already. You are not a pessimist, you have a 'live in' helper, the Holy Spirit. Let go and let God. God's heart will be broken knowing that one of His beloved children is suffering in silence. God loves you, your family love you, your friends all love you, gosh even I love you. Take heart sweet child of God and be reassured that you are loved. Failure? No-Way!

Shirley Anne xxx

Cynthia Jane said...

Hi Lori,

Just had to say that Shirley Anne hit the nail on the head. I have nothing better to add, except PRAISE THE LORD!!!

Hugs,

Cynthia

Debra said...

Yay for optimism! I know the feeling...its good to concentrate on the good things in life anyway. =)

LL Cool Joe said...

What I love about your blog is that you are not just optimistic about your own life, but you you bring hope to other people too. It's not about YOU all the time. :)

Unknown said...

lori...i agree with the other girls. you are an optimist and you're an optimist in the face of what has been the most challenging time of your life, transitioning and accepting it.

i believe there's a reason behind that optimism and it's your faith in God. as i've talked with people about my journey and struggles so far, one thing that i've said and know to be true, it's that faith that has kept us from literally blowing up. there's always been that strength that only God can provide at time times where it's been needed most...those deepest, darkest times that, like in the poem footprints, when you look back at the path there's only one set of prints because God has carried us through them.

it's that faith that has been the strength and that faith that provides the optimism that so many see.

you are a true inspiration.

Lori D said...

I'd love to comment on each one of your responses but all I can say is I'm always overwhelmed with your warm thoughts and kindheartedness. Thank you all so much.

Lori D said...

Coline of http://coline-voyageoftheeye.blogspot.com/

shared this comment before I accidentally deleted the comment by clicking the wrong button (sorry!)

"Without optimism we could never get through this and you have helped so many find that within themselves to take those first steps to a better life and many owe you thanks... "

Sarah Wilson said...

"Faith is the very first thing you should pack in a hope chest."
-Sarah Ban Breathnach

I will sometimes look in this hope chest, especially when moods seem a bit dark and I'm tempted to climb inside and stay there rather than consider the contents.

From time to time I am reminded that we have much more impact on others than we usually see. I guess God does it this way to keep us from getting too smug about it. Looking at it from the other side though, it implies a sense of responsibility to others. I'll do this with Facebook stati, for instance.

I am glad to know of you.

Sarah

Unknown said...

We must never ever give up hope. That is what I have found my experience to be in both my personal life and in my professional life. The minute someone gives up hope then the battle is pretty much lost. For me I can find myself in fear, or anger or all kinds of things. Things that I let go.. but never ever hope.
Thank you for sharing!
Lucy