Is It Hard to Be Who You Are?

Over the last few days, while enjoying a few peaceful moments on my long drives between work and/or other personal business in Tucson, I was looking back upon the challenges I faced before and during transition.  I remembered that exhilarating and liberating feeling when I first learned to wear makeup and go out to support groups or to the stores "en femme." Those cherished moments turned out to be fleeting, as each time I ended the day breaking down in tears having to remove the wig and makeup and change back into my guy clothes.

I knew who I was, and yet I was forced to cross dress in men's clothes and wear the real mask of living in the closet as I had done for so many years before.  I know why I did it, and in retrospect I'm glad I did.    I wasn't the only one going through changes.  My whole family was.

Much later, as I closed in on going full time in being true to who I was, the strength of dysphoria waned, and I found strength in finally establishing my true sense of self for the first time in my life.

But even then, I worried and wondered, "Can I really pull this off?  Can I get to the point where I'm not walking around like a neurotic muskrat always wondering if people are staring at me, questioning who I am or laughing at me?  Can I do this ALL the time and am I ready?"

I have the definitive answer now, at least for me.  In the past, in addition to learning and adapting like a teenage girl comes of age and learns her way in the world, I also carried the enormous burden of burying my identity and locking her away.   The vice pressing into my skull wasn't from developing confidence and stepping into my own as a woman, it was from the demands of straddling the line between two genders and forcing myself to live as a male.

Is it hard to be who you are?  The journey is unique for every individual.  Some make it into the frontier to begin life anew, life renewed.  Some choose to avoid the crossroads, pouring their lives out in ways they can best cope with the circumstances and hope it's enough to survive.  And even a few choose to for whatever reason return to the life that they used to live because transition wasn't what they expected.  It doesn't make them failures, and it doesn't make them any less T than when they transitioned.   I've said this before, but I've learned that being who you are is a lot easier than being who you're not.

It starts within you.  Determination, tenacity, and courage must be tempered with love, concern, and patience enough to allow those around you enough time to hopefully come along for the ride.

With the right amount of support from friends and family, adequate resources, faith, and a little fortune...okay, a LOT of fortune, you may one day see in the mirror a reflection of something, someone truly beautiful. 

And it'll finally be for forever.