An Update

Hi, everyone.  I know, I know, I promised to start blogging again.  And that was a hell of a long time ago.  I just found myself far too busy, and far too tired at the end of the day, to do anything else but work, sleep, and tend to my family.  Sounds monotonous.  Sounds tedious.  Sounds boring.  Sounds drama free.

I had better quality photos of me, but this captures my silly spirit so this will do.

Compared to the years involving my transition from male to female, drama-free was exactly what I needed.  Looking back at those days, there are moments I can barely recall just because of the level of stress that I remember enduring.  I've heard the term "pink cloud" many times before, but I don't think or remember a life so g
lamorous.   From the early days of covering up my five o'clock shadow with thick MAC foundation and concealer, to the other side of the tunnel where I finally settled into family life and was finally able to be my true self at work, almost any given day was no walk in the park.

So where am I today?  Well, I am nearing the end of the second decade of my career in law enforcement.  That was something I never talked about when I blogged daily years ago.  The fear of being outed, or even worse, fired, was always looming.  I had friends who were terminated or were forced out because of the incessant emotional beat downs in similar agencies as mine.  At the time I changed my name, the federal discrimination case taken on by Diane Schroer had just ended with the resulting decision that discrimination based on gender identity is sex-based discrimination in accordance with the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

Going from being a part of a 96 percent male workforce to being in the four percent minority of females was a great challenge.  Something I've been told will be a great read if I ever write a book about my crazy life.  The stories I could tell.  Ha.

But overall, I found myself quite comfortable in my own skin at work because of the incredible amount of support I had from colleagues and friends.  I worked hard to be someone who cared about those I worked with, and I often felt like I was the unofficial psychologist or pastor-on-duty.   When the time came for me to unravel Lori to my employer, a lot of great things fell in to place.  Not that I didn't have the gossipers talking behind my back at the watercooler, far from it.  I was the talk of the town, well, for at least a few weeks.  But if you've ever worked in a large agency or corporation, you know how new news quickly becomes old news as new gossip about someone else makes it ways to the headlines at the watercooler.

So what am I up to today?  I considered blogging again, like I considered it by the looks at my last post.  I almost forgot just how good it feels to get things off my chest, to write first and foremost for an audience of one... me.  But I also miss the connections that I had with the blogging community, and the many trans friends I gained during that time.  There are but a handful of people from that time that I still communicate with on a regular basis, and I'm sure it's just because we're all busy.  We get so distracted by our daily business that it's easy to forget to stop and increase your value between each other.

One thing people couldn't say about me was that I never committed to anything.   Transition was hell, and I was never sure I'd make it out alive.  My latest greatest commitment continues to be spending time with my children as they get closer to graduating.  I can't believe how wonderful my children have become.  I think about them more than I think about anything else.  And knowing my children know my authentic self without any more lies to cover that up is a major relief.   I never knew I had the capacity to love them as much as I do today.  Transition cleared out the haze and gave me this ability, despite the pain that we all went through in navigating such a challenge together as a family.


There's another passion that's been reignited in me, and that's my love for taking photos.   In the last year,  I've started a legitimate photography business focusing on capturing portraits of families, high school seniors, weddings, and other events.   And I've also discovered the beauty of the night sky as astrophotography is incredibly rewarding when I see the resulting images from my efforts.

One of my favorite captures.  Taken with a Canon 5DMarkIII and Sigma 50mm f/1.4ART lens.

This little desert tree reaching for the Milky Way Galaxy

I think I have a lot more to share before my blogging is over.  I keep hearing how the platform is dead, and that's okay.  I'll probably start doing a few YouTube videos like I have in the past.  I know I've often shared more than I should have, but now I believe I have a need to share what's on my heart, and that someone out there might benefit from it.  

If you're an old friend or are just finding me here for the first time, do say hi, would you?  I'd appreciate reconnecting with old friends, and I'm always open to connecting with new people.

And if you're silently suffering inside and you can't find a way to get through this, reach out to someone.  To friends you trust, to family who you know cares for you, or send me a message.  I'll do my best to point the way in the right direction if I can.  And for the many Christians who simply wrote me off and dismissed me as a "backslider" or that I was "never really a Christian," my faith in
God has changed, you're right.  But I find myself closer to his loving arms than I ever have before.  It would take many more blogs to explain how I arrived safely in His arms, but I assure you my hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus' blood and righteousness.

Blessings,
Lori B.

It's Easier Being Out Than In

If you're like me you're someone who really appreciates getting R and R on the weekend. After the mostly positive events that happened to me this week, I'm definitely hoping I can recuperate. I thought I'd post just a few notes of interest:

1. Since overcoming my largest two hurdles of late by coming out to two V.I.P.'s in my life, it seems like every corner I turn an opportunity springs forth allowing me to share my story with more people. In all, this week I've spoken with eight people I work with or am acquainted with about me. And after speaking to each one, the ease with which I opened up to them seemed to increase.

They say it's so much easier being out than in. I'm finally beginning to experience and believe that. After fearing the potentially negative consequences that so many others have experienced, I'm counting blessings each and every day.

2. I began communicating with an old friend from a church I used to attend. She is a remarkable woman who has managed to raise her children and stay married through the most difficult odds. I have watched her toil through many obstacles in her life while always remaining compassionate and caring, and desiring to follow God as best as she knows.

In addition to explaining that "for me, this is much more than just wanting to 'dress like a lady,'" this recent discussion has opened the door for us to discuss how our lack of understanding causes us to react in a not-so-Christlike fashion. I have a lot more to share here later, but long ago I found out she had a brother-in-law who came out to her as trans. He reached out to her because he believed she could help others understand who she was and possibly even help her transition. This brother-in-law's life came to a tragically short end when she died from an illness, sadly going to the grave without ever realizing the fruition of her self awareness and authenticity. I'll share more on this because there is much to learn about our fear and intolerance of that which we don't really understand, influencing even generally the most loving people to withdraw their compassion on someone in need.

Despite my hope for rest and relaxation this weekend, I'm not so sure I'll be getting it. I had hoped to visit a friend who will be in Phoenix this weekend, but other obligations will keep me from that. At the very minimum I'm looking forward to spending a Sunday afternoon with several new friends I've gained recently. I've mentioned them here before, and they are even more incredible than when I first met them.

It has always been my hope that my blogging about the ups and downs of this rollercoaster life has helped someone in some way. For me, I have the opinion that if I can somehow help even one person in something I write, that's all the reward I need. Since stepping foot on Transition Road, the number of friends I've gained and the support I've received is truly a treasure chest of precious jewels and pearls to me.

Remember that. You are precious.