If you are like me and have overcome MOST of your fear about presenting in public and being gendered as your true self, then you know what a relief it is to no longer feel the tension that would cramp up your bowels just to try and walk about freely in public, let alone make a feeble attempt to use your female voice.
Now, I am usually confident in almost every aspect, but something happens every once in a while that is extremely troubling...I FREAK OUT BIG TIME for no known reason.
Before I share the story, I was reminded of this feeling as I was reading Renee Knipe's "Transsexual Ferox" blog. In it is a post called "Haute Tension," and it accurately describes what I think we all go through at one point or another. Please give it a read sometime. It's at:
http://srknipe.blogspot.com/2008/07/haute-tension.htmlSo the other day I went to see a movie, and I felt really confident that I did my makeup and hair just right. I was ready to take on the world! What you see in my last video was what I looked like. The video was recorded on the same day. Not bad in my opinion. Certainly passable.
So there I am standing in line waiting to order popcorn and a drink. All of a sudden it hits me. Fear, fear that EVERYONE is watching me, fear that everyone KNOWS I'm trans. What the hell?
It's finally my turn to order and I stumble through requesting popcorn but otherwise get through it with no problems. As I walk over to the condiments table, I realize I have to walk by a group of teenagers who are all gathered around the table chatting. Again, terror strikes me knowing how rude teen boys and girls can be to transpeople. I approach the table and they all immediately paused to gaze up at my 6 foot stature. "I'm so made," I thought to myself. After a brief two second glance at me, they immediately go right back into what they were talking about. Crisis averted...again.
I get to my seat in the theater and can't shake what the hell came over me. Perhaps it's a residual effect of when I used to feel like that all the time. Maybe I'm just neurotic like someone I used to know would say about me.
Either way, I got through it, and I overcame my fear. That's really all there is to it.
Psychologists often use a technique called "flooding" where you are placed in the middle of a situation that will bring about your fear, and you work in to realizing that everything's gonna be just fine. It's done with people who have a fear of snakes. They will take them to a zoo or some place that has several snakes, and then stay with them to reassure that their fear is unnecessary. Same thing for those afraid of heights, caves, and other fears.
The only problem to the flooding technique is that if the person happens to get bit by a snake, or nearly falls off the building, or gets attacked in a cave, THAT FEAR WILL INTENSIFY and they'll likely never be able to get past it.
My being out in public, even during the times I feel terrified to do so, is helping me. Those kind of events are happening less frequently, and I hope I can get to the point where I can just watch the dang movie without this unecessary fear.
There is a kind of stress that is beneficial to the experiencer, psychologists call it "eustress." Distress is defined as not being beneficial and creates stressors in other areas.
I'm doing my best to turn my distress into eustress.
Going back to Renee Knipe's Transsexual Ferox, she succinctly explains her experience like this:
I was halfway across the mall before I realized I was in the mall. Or more appropriately, that I was a transsexual in the mall. Don't get me wrong... I'm 6'6" in my bare feet and I used to fight crackheads for a living, so I pretty much go where I want, when I want. But I'm still very conscious (or self-conscious) of the fact that I stand out. My vigilance is always high. Except this time...not until a little something clicked in my head and all of that awareness came flooding back. And as soon as it happened, I could have kicked myself.
Today at dinner, Beth criticized my anxiousness. "Just relax," she tells me. And I wish it was something I could consciously make happen. If I could just will away the tension...well, has their ever been a more contradictory idea? But it is encouraging to think that, with time, maybe it will happen all on its own.
Overcome your fears, just do it in a safe place.
During the movie, a song was played called "Beautiful Freak." I've got to find out who wrote it. We all feel like the freak, but we rarely feel beautiful.
Sometimes both words together accurately describe how I feel about myself and how I wonder if others think that of me.
But I am beautiful nonetheless.
Oh, a friend just gave me the youtube link for the song I heard in the movie. Beautiful Freak, here it is:
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